Ok, but you have hurt yourself badly enough it could have killed you. Why?

Sometimes your brain ends up misfiring so badly that you honestly think you're doing people a favor by getting yourself out of the way. Quite literally, you're convinced they're better off without you around, you don't ever see any way of changing just how damaged you are and you'd rather they go on in life without you there fucking it up for them. You know it'll hurt them, but you're also convinced they'll be relieved in the end. They won't have to deal with you anymore, they can move on and live a better life.

Have at it.